formerly

At the moment I am in the bright and christmassy lobby of Hampton Inn High Point, NC.
For a funeral.
My cousin was only twenty eight, and she had a baby, and a husband.
I just can't stop thinking about her poor husband.
He has to carry on, everyday. Look at the side of the bed she used to sleep on, take care of their son, look at what was formerly  her side of the closet. I think that would be the worst thing, the hardest tragety. You fall in love, you find your other half- the person you don't even think to be self concoius around, the person you can't fall asleep without, the person who you can have sleepy conversations with at three am, who you can count on to cuddle with you after a bad day. And then they're just gone?
That is my biggest fear.
I will the first to admit that once I'm committed, I'M COMMITTED. You know how in a relationship, one person is holding on tighter than the other? That' s me. I'm a chourus of "I love you" 's, and "I need you" 's, and the ever present "Please, Don't leave." 's.
Anyway, Angela's gone.
She was like an older sister to me, excepcially when I was younger. And now.. gone.
You think you understand death, you think of a "better place", and maybe, {god, I hope} it's all true. But I am never going to see her again in this life.
And that is killing me.
I cried.  That terrible, gut-wrenchy, feel like you need to curl up and sob, crying.
and then I poured myself a drink, and put on some lipstick, and now I'm going to be strong.
God, give me strength.